It’s been more than five months since I have written anything here. Mostly out of laziness and just letting life get in the way. I find when I make things a real priority there is always time to get it done. I have had a ton to say and between my proclivity for procrastination and just not wanting to be my usual transparent self and share, I haven’t.
Time to share…
I have been doing a lot of praying on my knees, reflecting on life, and making some life-changing decisions and goals these last sixty days or so.
It’s amazing to me sometimes what it takes to get me on my knees and really dig in and lean into God. Because it hasn’t come naturally to me in the past. I want it to and not because of hardships or loss. Seems as though this last year has been a huge lesson of powerlessness, faithfulness, and needing to be on my knees daily.
I had a friend of mine take his own life(second one this year) on June 25 of this year and ten days later a birthday. One definitely overshadows the other and ultimately the birthday was just another day. My friends’ untimely death crushed me and those around me.
I guess the point I am trying to make is I have had a lot of self-reflection going on and I feel like so much has to change.
I want a better relationship with my kids. I want more time with them because it’s never enough and ultimately they are growing up fast and time is very short. I want them to know the love I have for them is boundless and unconditional, really know it. However, until they have kids of their own I don’t know that they will.
I want to be a better friend and by that, I mean more intentional about letting my friends know I love them and I am here for them. Whether it’s a text, a call, or a spontaneous get-together I want to spend more time with my friends. I know after the divorce I isolated quite a bit. Even while being scared of having people remove themselves from my life because I wasn’t part of a couple anymore. Or, just out of general awkwardness of not wanting to be around a guy who was depressed and crying about his loss and how much it hurt all the time. I do feel like lately there IS a disconnect with some friends, especially couples. I don’t know if that’s my insecurity talking or what but for the most part I haven’t lost any of them. I do know that no matter what….. I want the people in my life to know without exception they can count on me and I love them. I really don’t know if my buddy knew that….
My family, what can I say about my family? I think in many cases we are a mess. But, they are mine nonetheless and I love them all very much. We are scattered across the country for the most part and that can suck. Social media is nice but not enough. Time and life keep passing and I want to be more intentional about picking up the phone at the very least and making sure they know that I’m alive, I miss them, and love them. From the distant family on the East Coast to the more immediate one in California. My former in-laws too. Some may think it strange but I grew up with these people being family and I feel like I lost not only a set of parents but a whole other part of me in the divorce. I miss them.
I want to do something so big that God is the only reason it could have been accomplished.
I want to travel. Like out-of-the-country travel. I have been exploring this topic with friends, hearing where they have been, and would like to go still. There are so many great places all over the world and I’d like to visit a few if not more. Greece, Italy, Africa, and China just to name a few but I want to go. I even set out to hike up to the top of Kilimanjaro next year for my birthday. A lofty goal but I have a year to lose weight and train.
Finally, I want to lose weight and get healthier. I have started already and I have lost 25 lbs. so far. I figure if I am going to spend more time with my family and friends I’m gonna have to be around a bit longer. Not to mention, if I’m really going to make the trek up Kilimanjaro and survive I need to make some changes. This has to be a daily priority.
It’s a lot and if you made it this far with me, thanks for reading. I know with God’s strength and help I can accomplish anything. Here’s to a new life and making changes for the better.
Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
