Sitting at the airport waiting to board a plane to go be with mom before she gets out of surgery.
I seem to avoid writing on here and typically stick to journaling. I don’t know that it’s intentional or avoidance. I have always had a thing for writing and wrote a lot as a teen. Mostly short stories, poetry for my high school sweetheart and songs when I played guitar as an outlet.
There is something cathartic about writing for me. I grew out of it at some point or just let life get in the way of everything else that makes me… well, me. I used to draw and play guitar a lot to escape too. I think for the last ten years I’ve kept my artistic self just underneath the surface. I don’t really know why or if it’s been intentional.
Over the last eight-plus years of going through recovery and practicing transparency, it gets easier and easier to not only write but put ME out there and share my story. I still have lots of book ideas dating back to my high school days but lately, I have just vented and/or shared my journey/story.
It’s amazing to me what we will let get in the way of the things that we love and make us who we are. Things that are a part of our DNA and make us feel alive or things that come more naturally then the things we try to force to either be something for somebody else, please others, or get lost in the rat race of surviving and working through life.
These last two plus years I have been on a journey of self-exploration and self-awareness. Inviting those closest to me to speak truth into my life on what they see and what I need to work on most.
I think I have spent a lot of my life, way too much, shrinking down and being less. Taking the path of least resistance, the easy road. Passivity. Which, is a crappy way to live. Giving up or giving away pieces of yourself to please anybody is a fruitless effort. It also assumes you even know what people want or need from you, which is arrogant.
I have to ask myself. Why not just be who God created me to be? And, do I even know at this point who that is and what that would look like?
The answer: I am learning daily. As far as who I am, well, labels lie. And I am not defined by anybody’s opinions or labels. I am less broken than I was a year ago and way less than two years ago. I am flawed and make a ton of mistakes and that is OK. I am definitely more sensitive than I’d like to be, a good father, a sucker for a good love story, definitely a romantic, love movies, serving others well and absolutely love making people laugh. More than any of that I am a child of God Christ following warrior walking redeemed, Man. And, I don’t NEED anybody to tell me I am a good man anymore. I know I am.
That is all.
The plane is boarding, this should be fun… I can’t wait to see my Mom and my family.
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